The internet has a calculator for everything. Personally math-averse, I’m thrilled when I can calculate the square meters of the ottoman I’m trying to cover & just fire off a number at the fabric lady. (*establishes domestic capabilities in the first paragraph, thereby wearing my Woman Badge appropriately.) (The internet really needs a sarcasm font.)

However, to my knowledge, in the sea of calculators available on the Googles, there isn’t a calculator that allows me to input work time, family responsibilities, personal care, and general societal contributions in order to spit out an ideal balance of hours I should be spending on work versus home. I wouldn’t use it anyway. I rely on my instincts.

Women are described often by their attachments to something/one. You’re someone’s daughter, someone’s spouse, someone’s mother. And because these are socially acceptable labels, it is implied that we are to adjust all of our personal needs around the needs of those attachments.

To quote the great Emma Gonzalez, “I call BS.”

I have a job that I love, that I have worked deliberately to reach. I will not attach guilt to spending my time doing the work that I love and loving the work that I’m doing. I do some of this work for no money. I still feel no guilt over the time I spend doing it. I miss work for Christmas plays at my daughters’ school and don’t think about my emails even once. I recognize my deep privilege in being able to type this paragraph and know that it’s my reality, without severe consequence. So many amazing mothers can’t spend the time they want with their kids because the bills gotta get paid. So many eager, bright women can’t break into the workforce because childcare eats their entire paycheck anyway.

Time spent with our kids, the totality of it, does not make us better mothers. Time spent at our jobs, the totality of those hours, does not make us better employees.

It does nothing for either my career or my family to simply log maximum necessary hours with each. It is the output born of my desire to be in the place I’m currently in that strengthens my relationships and makes me better at those things. I would rather be really there in the moment that I’m in, rather than adding & subtracting those moments.

If you cannot be in the place you want to be, there need be no guilt in that. You are doing what you can now, to make it possible to be fully & completely in the place you want to be later. Or, for people like me: it’s ok to want to work a lot. It’s ok to max out your time at things that bring you passion. If you have kids? Just remember you’re teaching them more with your actions than you ever will with your words. So when my daughters hear the excitement in my voice talking about my political work, or when I dress a little fancier cause I’m giving a presentation that day? They recognize that I value my career, I value my output to the world, and I care about fulfillment in all its forms.

I don’t think of leaving my girls in the morning as the sacrifice I make to provide them a life. I kiss them, wish them a great school day, and really don’t think more about it. ‘Cause when I come home, I ask them about said school day and we have a genuine conversation about it. They keep talking to me, so there must be something right in the way I’m doing things.

I enjoy my time away from my kids. I enjoy my time with my kids. There’s no formula of balance I need to meet, other than my own internal check-ins. I generally assume anyone tweeting about the value of work-life balance is dealing with some inner struggle of their own, and projecting that discomfort outward always feels better, doesn’t it? It’s cheap & full of lies.

Spend your time in the moment you’re in with the intent to make it great and you won’t lose. Throw the work-life balance calculator in the trash.